I don’t know if your parents did this, but growing up my mother would tell my sister, brother and me before every new school year, “You have to be better than your white schoolmates just to be considered equal to them.” This wasn’t just a casual remark; it was a deeply ingrained belief that shaped how we saw ourselves and our place in the world. The message was clear: excellence wasn’t optional, it was mandatory.
The Added Layers of Racial and Cultural Pressure
This pressure wasn’t just about getting good grades or being well-behaved. It was about survival in a society that viewed us through a lens of prejudice and discrimination. The stakes were high. As a Black girl, I couldn’t afford to make mistakes. Any slip-up could reinforce negative stereotypes and close doors of opportunity. This relentless pursuit of perfection was exhausting and isolating.
Even today, as an adult in the workplace, this pressure lingers. Black women often feel the need to be twice as good to be seen as competent. We carry the weight of representation, knowing that our performance can impact perceptions of all Black women. This burden is heavy, and it takes a toll on our mental health and well-being.
The High Cost of Perfectionism
Perfectionism may sound like a positive trait, but it comes with a high cost. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout. We set impossibly high standards for ourselves and feel intense guilt and shame when we inevitably fall short. This can trap us in a cycle of self-criticism and constant striving, never allowing ourselves to rest or feel satisfied with our accomplishments.
For me, the drive for perfection led to a double life. On the outside, I was an overachiever, excelling in my career and community. But on the inside, I was struggling, numbing my pain with alcohol and hiding my true self from the world. It was a prison of my own making, built from the belief that I had to be perfect to be worthy.
Breaking Free from the Pipeline
The first step to breaking free from the perfectionism to prison pipeline is recognizing that we don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love and respect. It’s okay to make mistakes, to have flaws, and to ask for help. Embracing vulnerability and authenticity is a powerful way to reclaim our lives and our mental health.
I’ve learned to let go of the need to be perfect and to show up as my true self, flaws and all. This journey isn’t easy, and it’s a process that requires ongoing effort and support. Surrounding myself with a supportive community, like the Strong Black Woman Support Group, has been crucial in my recovery. Sharing my story and hearing others’ stories on my Strong Black Woman Support Group podcast reminds me that I’m not alone, and that together, we can redefine what it means to be a strong Black woman.
I said all that to say this…
The perfectionism to prison pipeline is a trap that many of us fall into, but we have the power to break free. By embracing our imperfections, seeking support, and showing up authentically, we can reclaim our lives and find true strength. Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
Tune into the Strong Black Woman Support Group podcast and join our community. Together, we’re stronger, and we can break the chains of perfectionism to live authentically and joyfully.
Take care + Be well,
Regina Renaye
A Recovering Strong Black Woman
